Just a question...

So I have been curious about something. My life is completely different than where it was, or what it was, I guess I should say. And this is a good thing. I like where it is going, I like that it's different than what I thought it would be...or could be even.
So here's my question...When does compromise and change become compromising oneself?

My friends come to me for guidance for many reasons - some I will never understand - but mostly because I'm fair and honest and will tell them what I really think, even if they don't want to hear it. I'm also very open minded and not judgmental. They think I'm strong and know who am I ...but lately I've been wondering who that person is. I feel I'm making the decisions, but am I?

Lately I've been thinking...maybe I am more closed off than I think I am. See, I'm all for being yourself and not losing who you are, even if you become a wife or mother...actually, especially then! I have friends who have become what I refer to as 'crazy-wife-lady' or 'crazy-mom-lady'. You know those people who become so absorbed in the other person's life they are unrecognizable? Yeah, them. It's not limited to theses categories. Some people do it with work or friendships too.

I have always wanted to dance and sing. That's it in a nutshell. There was nothing else for me. Then my hubby came along and then the babies. Now, they are my world. Now I'm not only a dancer...I'm more. It's nice and I like it.

But I still feel like me.

Look, I love my husband. I love my kids. I have no idea what my life would be without them and they are in every thought I think and every action I do. I would gladly step in front of a train if it meant saving them, but I feel that you have to hold on to who you are and the dreams you have to be effective as a wife or mother...or even a worker or a friend.

If you become your significant other...what is left of the person they loved to begin with?
If you become your children by living through their life, then how can you teach them the value of your lessons and the person you are? How can you show them its okay to be different from each other?
And most importantly, when they grow up and move out, or if something happens to your (spouse/friend/job/loved one), God forbid, where will your strength be to heal and be whole again if you've given up all that you are? I don't think one is being selfish by keeping yourself in tact, I think you are actually giving more to all around you.

I also know people change as time passes. That is to be expected and is a good thing.
so, it comes down to this. How much change is too much and when does that compromise in a relationship actually compromise who you are?

Case in point - a friend of mine is getting married - before any of you 'think' you know who it is...I have seven friends who are engaged right now - so good luck! Anyway, for as long as I have known her, almost twenty years, she has wanted a specific wedding. I don't mean down to details, but a certain place, a certain time of year, and a certain song to be the first dance.
Then she met someone, who we all agree would not be our first choice for her, (see...judgmental!) and now they are getting married in a different place, a different time of year, and the song she has always wanted - not even on the list for the reception! I can see all that changing when the moment comes...you don't know what your real spouse will mean to you instead of your pretend one - but here's where the waters turn murky. She claims she has always wanted this wedding and since he wants the same thing it's perfect.

Now me and anyone who knows her admits this is not true. So I feel she has cloned herself to be like her fiance to fit into some mold her has for her. Am I wrong here? It seems to me more than a compromise, but compromising.

Another friend has absorbed another's life. She can not separate herself from it and blames the rest of us for not understanding. She doesn't understand how the rest of us mom's can enjoy a minute away from our babies and still call ourselves good mothers. I miss my kids every moment they are not with me, but that is the time I recharge my batteries to give them all I can when we're together. And like any woman in the world today, I feel guilty for a moment when I do something for me. It's in our DNA I think.

Now I come to my point...I'm having the above conversation with a friend of mine, over concern for our friend and as I'm talking, something someone said to me is ringing in my ears. It has been nagging me as a matter of fact.

Not too long ago, a person told me I had given up my career to move. Now while this is not true, since I still teach dance and choreograph, I still did quit my job and pack up everything and move for my husband's job. I did it willingly, telling people it is what we wanted. What we thought was best. And it was...and still is. But was that the same thing as my friend? Did I become my partner and assume his desires as my own without knowing it? I don't think I did, but then I wonder, have I been to quick to assume these women as weak or lost? Do they think the same thing about me when I tell them I want to be a writer? I want to be a runner. And a baker. And a mom. And a personal trainer. And an actor. And a wife.

Do they think, Wow, you have changed?

I wanted none of those things not too long ago. Now I want to open my world because my life is different. It's open to the possibility of something new. Maybe that's all my friends are doing and I was just slow to get there. sometimes I think that's true, and that it is me...but then at the end of the day...I'm still a dancer. It's still music I turn to. I watch the same movies or read the same books for comfort. I have the same favorite bands and movies and books and foods as I did before I was married. I'm still me.

Now I just love more things. And I suppose that's what it comes down to...being strong enough to hold on to who you are and not being afraid to add to it. Not compromising who you are, but being secure enough to say I like this now because it's important to one I care about but still standing your ground on the big stuff.

So I will change everyday. I will grow everyday, and if someone says "You're different." I'll just smile and say "Thank you."

Peace! Ang

Until we meet again listen to a little John Lennon - Instant Karma and Imagine would be my suggestions.