Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Things I will never understand...

So this week I had a huge disappointment. A friend I trusted, stabbed me right in the back. Actually she was practically hugging me while twisting the knife in my side. I will never understand why people do this. What was the point??
Now she is texting and calling like nothing happened...and it occurred to me, maybe she doesn't know. Perhaps she has no idea I know what happened, or and this is worse, doesn't think she did anything wrong.
No. I know she thinks it was wrong.

Okay - here's what happened, vaguely...A friend called to tell me some news, a dumb rumor really, and promised not to say anything. She said it wasn't her place. She said she didn't want to hurt me. She said she just thought I should know. I didn't ask her not to say anything, it wasn't true anyway, but still she insisted. My skin started to crawl. For the first time with this friend, my warning bells went off. I knew she was embellishing the story, I knew she had called not to protect me as she said, but to see if she could get any more dirt. She wanted gossip and she wanted drama. I had none to give.
Mere moments after she swore up and down she wasn't going to spread the rumor or tell anyone or get in the middle, I happen to be in the right place at the right time (or perhaps ignorance is bliss and it was the wrong place and time) to hear her tell all of it to the exact person she had mentioned by name that she wasn't going to say a word to.
What is wrong with people??? Why would you do that to a friend??? I have been there for her and she for me. I trusted her and of course, I have to wonder, was she like that all along, or is it the place her life is in that has brought about change? If she was like that all along... should I have ever trusted her?
I feel like a chump if these were her true colors all the time. If it's a new thing, I feel sad. But mostly, I feel hurt all over. It really sucks losing a friend, someone you hold dear. Friends are tough to come by. The ones you have you want and need to hold on to.
So disappointing. On so many levels.
In closing, let me say, I have not always done the right thing in friendships, I have hurt people, I have been dumb, but I have never intentionally hurt someone like that. I see no point. I like happy, I like positive, I like my friends to shine. When I'm sad I seek to be lifted, and when they are the ones who are sad I seek to lift. I do not destroy just because I am in the dark. I do not hurt or tear down just to try and build myself up.
If you dig up other's dirt to build your throne...a small shower will wash it away. They will be clean and you will be in the mud.

Insights welcome! So I have purged and now I will move on with my amazing group of family and friends that I can trust. It's moments like this I love you all even more. Peace!

Listen to "Dog Days Are Over" - Florence and the Machine...(or the Glee version!) It'll knock your socks off!

Thursday, January 6, 2011

Just a question...

So I have been curious about something. My life is completely different than where it was, or what it was, I guess I should say. And this is a good thing. I like where it is going, I like that it's different than what I thought it would be...or could be even.
So here's my question...When does compromise and change become compromising oneself?

My friends come to me for guidance for many reasons - some I will never understand - but mostly because I'm fair and honest and will tell them what I really think, even if they don't want to hear it. I'm also very open minded and not judgmental. They think I'm strong and know who am I ...but lately I've been wondering who that person is. I feel I'm making the decisions, but am I?

Lately I've been thinking...maybe I am more closed off than I think I am. See, I'm all for being yourself and not losing who you are, even if you become a wife or mother...actually, especially then! I have friends who have become what I refer to as 'crazy-wife-lady' or 'crazy-mom-lady'. You know those people who become so absorbed in the other person's life they are unrecognizable? Yeah, them. It's not limited to theses categories. Some people do it with work or friendships too.

I have always wanted to dance and sing. That's it in a nutshell. There was nothing else for me. Then my hubby came along and then the babies. Now, they are my world. Now I'm not only a dancer...I'm more. It's nice and I like it.

But I still feel like me.

Look, I love my husband. I love my kids. I have no idea what my life would be without them and they are in every thought I think and every action I do. I would gladly step in front of a train if it meant saving them, but I feel that you have to hold on to who you are and the dreams you have to be effective as a wife or mother...or even a worker or a friend.

If you become your significant other...what is left of the person they loved to begin with?
If you become your children by living through their life, then how can you teach them the value of your lessons and the person you are? How can you show them its okay to be different from each other?
And most importantly, when they grow up and move out, or if something happens to your (spouse/friend/job/loved one), God forbid, where will your strength be to heal and be whole again if you've given up all that you are? I don't think one is being selfish by keeping yourself in tact, I think you are actually giving more to all around you.

I also know people change as time passes. That is to be expected and is a good thing.
so, it comes down to this. How much change is too much and when does that compromise in a relationship actually compromise who you are?

Case in point - a friend of mine is getting married - before any of you 'think' you know who it is...I have seven friends who are engaged right now - so good luck! Anyway, for as long as I have known her, almost twenty years, she has wanted a specific wedding. I don't mean down to details, but a certain place, a certain time of year, and a certain song to be the first dance.
Then she met someone, who we all agree would not be our first choice for her, (see...judgmental!) and now they are getting married in a different place, a different time of year, and the song she has always wanted - not even on the list for the reception! I can see all that changing when the moment comes...you don't know what your real spouse will mean to you instead of your pretend one - but here's where the waters turn murky. She claims she has always wanted this wedding and since he wants the same thing it's perfect.

Now me and anyone who knows her admits this is not true. So I feel she has cloned herself to be like her fiance to fit into some mold her has for her. Am I wrong here? It seems to me more than a compromise, but compromising.

Another friend has absorbed another's life. She can not separate herself from it and blames the rest of us for not understanding. She doesn't understand how the rest of us mom's can enjoy a minute away from our babies and still call ourselves good mothers. I miss my kids every moment they are not with me, but that is the time I recharge my batteries to give them all I can when we're together. And like any woman in the world today, I feel guilty for a moment when I do something for me. It's in our DNA I think.

Now I come to my point...I'm having the above conversation with a friend of mine, over concern for our friend and as I'm talking, something someone said to me is ringing in my ears. It has been nagging me as a matter of fact.

Not too long ago, a person told me I had given up my career to move. Now while this is not true, since I still teach dance and choreograph, I still did quit my job and pack up everything and move for my husband's job. I did it willingly, telling people it is what we wanted. What we thought was best. And it was...and still is. But was that the same thing as my friend? Did I become my partner and assume his desires as my own without knowing it? I don't think I did, but then I wonder, have I been to quick to assume these women as weak or lost? Do they think the same thing about me when I tell them I want to be a writer? I want to be a runner. And a baker. And a mom. And a personal trainer. And an actor. And a wife.

Do they think, Wow, you have changed?

I wanted none of those things not too long ago. Now I want to open my world because my life is different. It's open to the possibility of something new. Maybe that's all my friends are doing and I was just slow to get there. sometimes I think that's true, and that it is me...but then at the end of the day...I'm still a dancer. It's still music I turn to. I watch the same movies or read the same books for comfort. I have the same favorite bands and movies and books and foods as I did before I was married. I'm still me.

Now I just love more things. And I suppose that's what it comes down to...being strong enough to hold on to who you are and not being afraid to add to it. Not compromising who you are, but being secure enough to say I like this now because it's important to one I care about but still standing your ground on the big stuff.

So I will change everyday. I will grow everyday, and if someone says "You're different." I'll just smile and say "Thank you."

Peace! Ang

Until we meet again listen to a little John Lennon - Instant Karma and Imagine would be my suggestions.

Saturday, January 1, 2011

2011...new year, new me...

So here it is... my blog is back. Again. 2011.
It's a little different than it was before, since I'm a little different than I was before, but better I assure you.

Last year I vowed to write on here everyday, lose a lot of weight, and many other things that all led inevitably to missing days on the blog, cheating on my diet and falsely upbeat passages intent on bringing hope when I, some days, felt none.

Then in March, my world was shaken and my eyes were opened. I am choosing not to go into detail because it is in the past but let's just say I wish there would have been an easier way to learn that lesson. None the less, I'm stronger and better for it. And in the end, I'm thankful for it.

But in the mist of the chaos, I quit blogging and the reason was simple....I was tired.
Lame? Maybe...but let me explain.

See, I am a caregiver. Aside from music, it's what makes me tick. I love my family and my friends, who are my family too. I am a teacher, a doer of things for others and mostly feel I am only worth what I give to others. I do it gladly and willingly expecting nothing in return. The happiness I find in helping is enough.

No, really..it is.

But in the spring, I needed things. I needed to not be there to catch for once, but to be caught. I now realize I had plenty of people to break the fall, but the thing is I couldn't ask. I didn't. It's one of my flaws. It will probably end up being my fatal one. I hate to ask for help.

So instead I just kept giving. No one stopped needing me and things still had to be done, so I went on. And it wore me out.

I realize my friends reading this will be waiting in line to whack me in the head like Gibbs to DiNozzo and one will be ready to do some shin kicking for this little confession. I'm aware and I'm ready for you. But I wouldn't have missed a minute of being there for you. Or my kids. Or my husband.

But at the end of the day, to come here and try to be happy and hopeful, I just had nothing left.
...but I digress.

2011.

I am renewed and a little older and a lot wiser.

So this time around, I make no promises save one...you will know if I am happy or sad or overwhelmed. I am basically a happy, positive person. I like to make people smile, but there are days when it's just not real. And now, you will know.

I was in a car riding with a friend of mine this summer. I had a moment when I let it all get to me. I listened to my angry songs and sang loudly as we drove to buy fireworks. She was so relieved that I had days like that too! I couldn't believe it. I guess we all like to know that our friends are messes just like we are. So I'm here to share my messes and my goofs and my triumphs and my happy thoughts.

So some days will be up.
Others will be down.
And others...you won't see me.

But I am going on a journey this year. The journey I wanted to take last year, but the timing was off. God and the universe knew I wasn't ready. But now...now I am. And it will be an adventure and a life well lived.

And I hope you'll go with me. I'll make one more promise. I won't let you down. It will be worth the ride.

So here are the goals: (not resolutions...goals!)
#1 - get healthy and stay that way!
#2 - get the book into print (more on that later)
#3 - The plan!!! (details to come!!!)
#4 - run a marathon (yeah...you heard me)

So until you read again, Peace! Ang

P.S. Continually listen to Jar Of Hearts - Christina Perry....Breathtaking. As a side note you can youTube a SYTYCD video to this song that will smash you to bits with beauty.